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la chica
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even the smallest of creatures ...

i love God more than anything. i am certain that i will not allow people's doubts of me or of my own faith alter my view of God. He is the one i live for. He is the one who created me and is the only one who truly knows why i live the way i do.

i am entering the last stage in a high school student's life. there are many question marks to erase, clouds to chase out, and highs to squeeze away.

i never enjoyed books or literature until i was 13. The sudden interest wasn't given to me by my mother or my teacher; it was God. Writing soon became my breather and way of fully expressing myself. i'm an aspiring writer, altho i'm discouraged to pursue this field by almost everyone i know, whether directly or indirectly. That is my complex and weakness.

i fell in love my freshman year with Dostoevsky who gives me advice through his words. He empathizes with my situations and i know no one else who can or is able to. i fell in love with a teacher who inspires me to continue to write and teach all together. I then was allured to a close friend whom i love and cherish so dearly. None of my peers understand the relationship i have with him except one. And i consider her my best girlfriend. but he is the love of my life. Not having him yet doesn't bring me down, because having a relationship so intimate as this is enough for me.

They are the men in my life.

i have many insecurities but appear to be strong in front of others. My skin, weight, and writing style are the three factors that can tear my self esteem into the small pieces. Acne is a killer. Being a fat child in the past and being taunted by your ex boyfriend about it will do wonders to a girl's outlook on herself. i am the example. I am addicted to running. i cannot live a day without running two miles. It's my way of running from the world, problems, and toward something that may erase my past.

i tend to live in the past, only because the wounds are so profound. The friends i hold dear right now know nothing of my past. My past is locked in Pandora's Box. Once you open it ... then i am the vulnerable fat little girl once again.

i hope that all i get from having this 'other' diary is peace within myself. i have never been this honest to myself or with strangers before. do not show who you are to me. if you read and continue to, enjoy my thoughts. be enlightened. be offended. be perplexed. be anonymous.

thank you and enjoy your stay.

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